We've all got high hopes...

Hey remember when you would text me and leave me IMs all the time? Remember when you cared how my day was and where I was going? Remember when you would call me out on my shit? I remember it all so well but you seem to have forgotten. I don't really matter anymore. I don't even get responses to questions anymore. The saddest part is, it is a taste of my own medicine. I deserve all of it. Whatever happened to second chances???? Seriously...I am so fed up with being single I could scream. Time for a change of pace. I am so upset all the time. It would just kinda be nice if someone cared about the little things. Well I guess you could say I am on the verge of a breakdown. And I'm sick. Sick and emotionally stupid. Pretty sure I have a fever. It would be nice if I got a response as to whether or not you have a thermometer. But like I said, I deserve it. Ugh, sometimes I really wish I could jump out of my skin and be someone else...anyone else for a day and see what it is like.

I finally meet a real man...and he lives ohhh....across the ocean. Great. Sour sour irony. I hate you.

I hate the Atlantic Ocean...it is keeping me from my 27 year old English man. Oh cruel cruel existence!!! BAH!!!!!!!

Last night was arguably the single most debaucherous night of my life. One for the record books. A real classic. I am not sure if Laurie, Meg and I can ever go back to Finnigan's Wake even though we got a ton of free passes. A weekend of attention that's for sure.

You know when you have something in front of you, your brain sometimes confuses you into thinking you want something else...and not that thing in front of you...which is of course, the easily accessible route to take. Instead, you choose to hang on to something that is not certain and ends up being a big disappointment anyway. Then, when you finally realize that you didn't want the second thing, but instead the first thing - the thing that has been there all along - that thing decides it is fed up and moves onto something else leaving you in want. You probably deserve it. A taste of your own medicine. One of life's cruelties, no doubt. But now, you feel like all you want is to take that thing back, and you would do almost anything to do it. But something is holding you back. A feeling of defeat??? Perhaps. Fear? Most definitely. Fear of rejection? Absolutely yes. Knowing that you probably forever missed that golden opportunity that was there for so many months. And so you go on. You don't actually ever say anything. The attention continues to waver and die down. You realize that you hurt the first thing just like the second thing hurt you. And it kills you because you will always be wondering "What if..." Is that really any way to live? You don't really know right now. All you know is that things aren't the same. Things have changed...and not for the better. All you know is that everyone around you seems to have made the right choice. Or has had a lucky streak.

This is me regretting almost every decision I made over the past year. This is me in want. And even more importantly, this is me in need. There's really nothing left to say other than...I blew it...again.

So after waking up at 5:30 am with excruciating chest pain, shortness of breath, the sweats, light headedness, I crawl into Chrissy's room where she proceeds to call 911. Yes, that's right, I was carried away on a stretcher out of the Prez today. I got to the hospital still in pain and unable to breathe. They draw blood from me after a few pokes and prods and then proceed to lose my blood in Lankenau hospital. After about an hour, they come back in and are like bad news, we lost your blood, we need to do it again. So they draw more blood, after a few more pokes and all is well right? No. WRong. My blood shows that I have a raised level of white cells (meaning I am fighting an infection somewhere). So I get an ultrasound on my bladder, my gallbladder, and kidneys today. Oh yeah, don't forget that awesome catscan too! I learn that I have a kidney infection progressed from a urinary tract infection (that I didn't even know I had). So my kidneys are killing me and they are what caused the rib contractions early this morning. All in all, Chrissy spent the entire day with me and Laurie popped in and visited. Nonetheless, they released me with a very strong prescription to prevent any further kidney damage, or even worse, kidney failure.

However, the best part of this story is what I was wearing. I was braless, in a green tee, and the oversized st. patty's day man boxers Annalisa and Joanne got for me to help me "improve" my sex life. I failed on both accounts: A. To look sexy in the hospital and B. To have a sex life in general soo.... yeah. Oh yeah, and I had no contacts or glasses so I pretty much lived in a blur for 12 hours.


At least things could be worse...like I could have had the HIV or something. Anyways, can't wait to see people tomorrow night at the Cap and Bells dinner.

Right now I am off to Granny's so she can monitor me this evening to make sure I am still breathing. I hope everyone else's day was as eventful as mine.

This trip home has allowed me really prepare myself mentally for the upcoming year. I plan on kicking some serious ass senior year. I can't believe I am a senior. A few resolutions:

1. I will maintain a positive attitude
2. I will stay strong and not be sucked in by womaneaters who make my life hell
3. I will keep the grades up up up
4. With the help from the other officers and members, I will make Cap and Bells better than ever!
5. I will learn to be more patient but within reason...meaning...I will not allow other people to step on me because I am being too nice. I should have blown up a few times this year because honestly, they were more than warranted.
6. Continue to keep up the relationships in Chitown (of course,continually professing my love for the beautiful kelz 4 real), and those in Philadelphia that I believe are worth it
7. Go for the Gold
8. Become more secure with who I am and stop trying to suppress it because I think other people won't like it

AND FINALLY...THE REAL REAL NUMBER ONE: Apply and get into law school (especially after I take the LSAT again)...I will be a lawyer because I am more sure than ever that it is the path to my destiny

I have maintained for a while that I don't think this country is ready for a woman president. Yeah no, I completely changed my mind. War and violence, the concern with flexing the power muscle, my guns are bigger than yours, we have more control than you is getting too old. Bottom line, there are much bigger problems out there than getting mixed up in other country's business. So, I am going to have to vote isolationist policy as far as the war is concerned, but interventionist when we are speaking in terms of the global war against poverty and human rights. We need to strengthen NGOs and humanitarian groups so they have the resources to empower women (and men) with the education they need to raise themselves, or at least gain the power to speak out. Obviously, we are talking about reversing thousands of years of history in probably a 100 -300 year span, but it is a necessary step. The US did it, and so can these other countries. Once people are empowered and recognize that they are living in deplorable conditions and that is not the way it is supposed to be, change will happen if for no other reason than a mass uproar for change occurs.

A female president will provide a new perspective on things. No matter how well a man thinks he can govern women, he still has very little insight as to how things we really work for us. The fact remains, the majority of the world lives in poverty, and the majority of those people are women.

I am so glad kel, laura and mark came to visit because we had such an amazing time. Together, people just can't handle us full force. Even when Pete came up tonight with Schmidty and Bill...we had to tone it down and that is saying alot. We did the bar things, the shore thing, the shopping thing...the every thing. Bottom line - I can't remember when I had this much fun or laughed so much - prolly the last time I was home. I was glad they got to meet Lily, Laurie and Pete. As they jokingly exclaimed---You're friends are REAL!!!

Friday night we just chilled and ordered pizzas.

Saturday night we ordered Chinese food and then went to the townie bar my uncle bartends at and turned an old people bar into a hip club and got free drinks

Sunday we went to KOP, ate at Maggianos, Kel's friends from Brick came down, and then went to the Bards with Laurie and Lily. I friended bartender Aidan after being yelled at too and had some REALLY interesting conversation.

Today we went to Tom's River and went to the beach. The most beautiful beach day a person could ask for. Laura, Kel, and I came back BURNT to a crisp. Haven't been that burned in a looooooong time. Pete, Dan, and Bill came up tonight and chilled for a lil while and then went home. Glad the soulmates got to meet the guy whose apt they have been sleeping in.

Tomorrow they leave and I will be sad. But it's ok, I go home in 10 days for 2.5 weeks. I will be back August 23rd.

Ok, I got my answer for now, but I can wait a little bit if I have to. This school year will make all the difference. Last one. I should probably make it count.

This is just another reason to resent you and everything that happened. GRRRRRRRRRR

I seriously wish I kicked my ass long ago? Why was I so blind to see it? Why didn't I jump on it when I had the chance? The only question now...is it too late? Did I really blow it this time? Why I am so afraid to just come out and ask?


Sometimes I just want to throw myself off a high bridge!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOO STUUUUUUUUPID and now I may spend the rest of my life wondering...WHAT IF. FUCKIN A!

Last night was one for the record books. The end. A real classic.

Hurricane Pete is heading to Prezzy this weekend...oh my god...

Olde City Friday night!

These past few weeks have been full of free drinks. I have become an alcoholic. It's fine and probably for the best. Just kidding.

N e ways, decided it was time to nip this thing in the bud...so that is what I did.

I have a new philosophy to live by, but first the protective wall is going up for a while.

Drinks tonight!

Well, didn't do so hott on the LSAT. I had a bad feeling it would turn out this way. So...I am going to try and work with Princeton Review again and take it again September 30th. After that, it is what it is. I am pretty upset since this is only my life dream flushed down the toilet. I really don't know what to do with myself right now.

So my friends have always called me the biggest Closet Freak they know. Well, to be funny (and prolly partially serious) they bought me a dominatrix love whip for my birthday. Secondly, Marissa invited me to a sex toy demonstration tomorrow night...and for sure I am going. I am trying to get other people to go to....Ladies??? Anyways, Guess I am really am living up to their predictions....OH GOD.

Guess I am going back to Philly tomorrow. I guess I really don't want to either. One thing I learned: staying there this summer was a big mistake. One I won't make again.

What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts is the most amazing song ever

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Oh home sweet sweet home I go tomorrow! I am currently packing, mailing out bills, and doing other affairs that must be taken care of. I am currently in a fabulous mood because I will be reunited with my soulmates tomorrow evening...and the fam of course! I will be in Chitown until June 28th. I need my home fix. Tonight I am going out with Katie and Lily before I leave. This summer has picked up but it still isn't the same as being at home.

Must go to the shore when I get back.

Downloaded Michelle Branch's Leave the Pieces for my new ringtone. Something to think about...Here are the lyrics:

You're not sure that you love me
But not sure enough to let me go
Baby it aint fair you know to just keep me hanging around.
You say you dont want to hurt me
Dont want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here just watching me drown


And It's all right yeah I'll be fine
Dont worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There is nothing you can do or say your gonna break my heart anyway
Just leave the pieces when you go

You cant drag out the heartache
Baby You can make it quick
Really get it over with just let me move on
Dont concern yourself with this mess you left for me
I can clean it up and see just as long as your gone.

And It's all right I'll be fine
Dont worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the rooooad
There is nothing you can do or say your gonna break my heart anyway
So Just leave the pieces when you go

Your not making up your mind
Its killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

I need to find Madison a new home like yesterday. Everywhere I turn is a dead end. There is one prospect but I dunno. If anyone knows anyone who knows anyone could just ask...I would reallllly appreciate it!